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Letters to the Animal


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#1 Grindline25

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Posted 01 July 2005 - 08:55 AM

Found this on another site I belong to... thought it was amusing...

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and
cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow,
try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or
cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door.....


Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted
son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and is speech challenged.


Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug
using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have
young, you can sell the results.


Then I felt like elaborating to my own dog... tongue.gif

Loki, I'm sorry that you choose to lay perpendicular to me or ON me. On warm summer nights, as much as I appreciate your consideration, I could really use without your large black fur coat all over my body... added to 105 pounds of your body lying on me. Also, I promise you there is NO SECRET TREASURE burried beneath the carpet. So everytime you venture into the living room or bedrooms, stop jumping and digging and trying to figure just how to get your body under there. I promise, there is nothing under there. And if you could, please stop digging up random objects in the yard. I understand that the previous owners of the house were oddballs and left artifacts in the land... but looking out the window to seeing you with a hatchet or oil can in your mouth is not what I like to deal with in the morning. And lastly, you're a rottweiler. So please, when the weiner dog comes over... don't cower in the corner. Be a man.

And then I realized that he's just a 105 rottweiler pup that doesn't understand anything that I just spent 5 minutes typing.
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#2 Yzerfan75

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Posted 01 July 2005 - 05:21 PM

QUOTE (Grindline25 @ July 1, 2005 - 09:55AM)


And then I realized that he's just a 105 rottweiler pup that doesn't understand anything that I just spent 5 minutes typing.

LOL...yep, we're learning that with our five month old boxer/pit stray, "Cheli," that we adopted back in March. smile.gif

We're lucky if she remembers her name.

#3 Grindline25

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Posted 01 July 2005 - 05:32 PM

QUOTE (Yzerfan75 @ July 1, 2005 - 06:21PM)
QUOTE (Grindline25 @ July 1, 2005 - 09:55AM)


And then I realized that he's just a 105 rottweiler pup that doesn't understand anything that I just spent 5 minutes typing.

LOL...yep, we're learning that with our five month old boxer/pit stray, "Cheli," that we adopted back in March. smile.gif

We're lucky if she remembers her name.

Cheli! Nice... Had a dachshund (sp?) named "Yzie" once. But things didn't work out.

Loki... the Norse god of mischief... now the Norse DOG of mischief... is licking my chair over and over.

Animals. blink.gif
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#4 Guest_GoWingz1433 (Guest)

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Posted 01 July 2005 - 09:04 PM

QUOTE
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.


QUOTE
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow,
try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)


Those two are awesome!!!!!! thumbup.gif Having 5 cats I can really appreciate that.

QUOTE
And lastly, you're a rottweiler. So please, when the weiner dog comes over... don't cower in the corner. Be a man.


That's pretty funny, too.


#5 wingsgirl001

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Posted 01 July 2005 - 09:47 PM

With having both dogs and cats my whole life, I can totally relate to this. laugh.gif Thanks for sharing. smile.gif

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#6 Kira

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Posted 01 July 2005 - 11:18 PM

I have two dogs who, besides being the kids we never had, have a wonderful talent for sensing when my hubby is going to have an epileptic seizure. The other night our dog Galen, who normally will not venture into the bathroom, would not leave my hubby's side...even as far as going into the bathroom with him while he took a shower. When he got out of the shower, Galen stuck right to him and would not leave his side. When my hubby laid down in bed, Galen got in bed beside him and would not let him up. Not half an hour later, Terry had a seizure...Galen knew it and was trying to tell him it was going to happen.

So.....

Dear Galen,

Thank you for overcoming your fear of the tile floor to warn your master of impending problems. Your love for him meant more than your fear, and I am proud of you. That's why you got the puppy treat yesterday.


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#7 Yzerfan75

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Posted 01 July 2005 - 11:48 PM

QUOTE (Kira @ July 2, 2005 - 12:18AM)
I have two dogs who, besides being the kids we never had, have a wonderful talent for sensing when my hubby is going to have an epileptic seizure.  The other night our dog Galen, who normally will not venture into the bathroom, would not leave my hubby's side...even as far as going into the bathroom with him while he took a shower.  When he got out of the shower, Galen stuck right to him and would not leave his side.  When my hubby laid down in bed, Galen got in bed beside him and would not let him up.  Not half an hour later, Terry had a seizure...Galen knew it and was trying to tell him it was going to happen. 

So.....

Dear Galen,

Thank you for overcoming your fear of the tile floor to warn your master of impending problems.   Your love for him meant more than your fear, and I am proud of you.  That's why you got the puppy treat yesterday.


That's awesome! smile.gif

My other dog, Aslan (a ten year old golden retriever I got from a shelter outside of Chicago) is amazingly cool with my wheelchair. In fact, when I went to look for a dog, he ran right out and through himself up on the me (all the other dogs were afraid of it). Even more amazingly, he doesn't even yelp when I happen to clip his tail or foot (thankfully on VERY VERY rare occasions) while trying to get by him.

Like you, our two dogs are most definitely our kids.

Edited by Yzerfan75, 01 July 2005 - 11:50 PM.


#8 Cruiser008

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Posted 02 July 2005 - 01:07 AM

Awwww!! Reading this thread makes me wanna get a dog and/or cat myself!

#9 Lidstrom Rules

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Posted 02 July 2005 - 01:33 AM

QUOTE (Kira @ July 2, 2005 - 12:18AM)
I have two dogs who, besides being the kids we never had, have a wonderful talent for sensing when my hubby is going to have an epileptic seizure. The other night our dog Galen, who normally will not venture into the bathroom, would not leave my hubby's side...even as far as going into the bathroom with him while he took a shower. When he got out of the shower, Galen stuck right to him and would not leave his side. When my hubby laid down in bed, Galen got in bed beside him and would not let him up. Not half an hour later, Terry had a seizure...Galen knew it and was trying to tell him it was going to happen.

So.....

Dear Galen,

Thank you for overcoming your fear of the tile floor to warn your master of impending problems. Your love for him meant more than your fear, and I am proud of you. That's why you got the puppy treat yesterday.


from what i understand, they actually train dogs to work with epileptics who live alone. they have a floor level medic alert button that calls the paramedics that the dog can push with it's nose or paw. the dog will also lay on it's master until the paramedics come to prevent him or her from sustaining injuries while seizing.
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#10 HockeyCrazy3033

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Posted 02 July 2005 - 01:54 AM

hehehehehe this is soooo true! my dog Paradise is just like this.

animals are great..love them more than humans that's for sure.
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#11 gowingsgo

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Posted 03 July 2005 - 05:13 PM

Dear Luc,

You are a bastard...and you have bad breath too.

Dear Halle,

You are a beautiful pup, don't turn out anything like your spoiled rotten brother.
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#12 Grindline25

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Posted 04 July 2005 - 09:41 AM

QUOTE (Kira @ July 2, 2005 - 12:18AM)
I have two dogs who, besides being the kids we never had, have a wonderful talent for sensing when my hubby is going to have an epileptic seizure. The other night our dog Galen, who normally will not venture into the bathroom, would not leave my hubby's side...even as far as going into the bathroom with him while he took a shower. When he got out of the shower, Galen stuck right to him and would not leave his side. When my hubby laid down in bed, Galen got in bed beside him and would not let him up. Not half an hour later, Terry had a seizure...Galen knew it and was trying to tell him it was going to happen.

So.....

Dear Galen,

Thank you for overcoming your fear of the tile floor to warn your master of impending problems. Your love for him meant more than your fear, and I am proud of you. That's why you got the puppy treat yesterday.


That's really cool. smile.gif
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#13 Kira

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Posted 05 July 2005 - 12:01 AM

Thanks gang...I really am proud of him.

Thought I should post a picture of him so you can see what he looks like. But it won't let me, so you will have to take my word for it...he's part Black Lab, and part Springer Spaniel...black as night...as my friend Ellen calls him, he's "a hundred pound rug with a heartbeat". But he's my rug, and I love him to death.
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#14 PuckMark

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Posted 06 July 2005 - 03:33 PM

Here's a few letters I've wanted to get off my chest for a while:

To the dog that lives next door,

My backyard is not your personal toilet. My wife's stupid cat even knows how to use a litter box.


To the cat that my wife owns, and who lives in my house only because I can't catch it,

Your tongue really doesn't belong anywhere near your butt. Stop doing that.

Also, I realize that when you walk around with your tail in the air while glaring at me, you are giving me the human equivalent of the middle finger. I feel the same way about you.

Lastly, wanna go for a ride? I know this really great Chinese restaurant.....
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#15 ontariowingsfan

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Posted 06 July 2005 - 05:24 PM

QUOTE (PuckMark @ July 6, 2005 - 05:33PM)
To the cat that my wife owns, and who lives in my house only because I can't catch it,


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#16 Grindline25

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Posted 06 July 2005 - 09:22 PM

QUOTE (PuckMark @ July 6, 2005 - 04:33PM)
Lastly, wanna go for a ride? I know this really great Chinese restaurant.....

Hahaha... ouch... crazy.gif laugh.gif
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#17 Kira

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Posted 07 July 2005 - 09:01 AM

QUOTE (PuckMark @ July 6, 2005 - 03:33PM)
Here's a few letters I've wanted to get off my chest for a while:

To the dog that lives next door,

My backyard is not your personal toilet. My wife's stupid cat even knows how to use a litter box.


To the cat that my wife owns, and who lives in my house only because I can't catch it,

Your tongue really doesn't belong anywhere near your butt. Stop doing that.

Also, I realize that when you walk around with your tail in the air while glaring at me, you are giving me the human equivalent of the middle finger. I feel the same way about you.

Lastly, wanna go for a ride? I know this really great Chinese restaurant.....

Lord, you and my husband would get along just fine

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