Blackhawks Like Repeat Chances

[RememberStevieY 5]

I didn't want to make another Chicago thread and found this article to be pretty funny. So I guess I'll post it here. Excuse me if its a duplicate.

Linky

The Collapse in Chicago: A Day in the Life of Stan Bowman

Tough summer for the son of the greatest coach of all time. Sure, the Blackhawks won a cup. Sure, they had a fun parade full of people who haven't watched a collective 60 minutes of hockey in their entire lives. Sure, they got to play Chelsea Dagger over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and da da da, da da da, duh da da, duh...

Ahem. They got to play it 'till everyone's brain short-circuited.

But that celebration was mostly short-lived. At least for Stan. Because Stan knew deep down inside, that he had a nightmare in front of him. A cap situation that could only be summarized as a clusterf*** on horse steriods. And Stan didn't have any solutions.

Not surprising really. I mean, the dude got the job because his dad is a super-genius that the franchise wanted to attract and keep around. And it's not like they won the cup off of his ingenuity. The roster that took the ice this year had very little to do with him, and everything to do with Dale Tallon, years and years of bottom feeding, and obvious draft picks. So really, no matter how many times the Chicago faithful (all five of them) repeat to themselves that everything will be OK, and they'll find a way out of cap-hell, there isn't really any reason to have faith, or believe that anything other than an utter collapse is imminent.

Today Antti Niemi goes to salary arbitration. In order to fit under the cap, the Hawks are hoping that he's awarded a contract where he has to pay the team about $5 million a year for a decade. They're really relying on the arbitor demanding that Antti sell his family's yam farm (or whatever the hell they grow in Finland) and sacrifice three of his closest relatives to the Spirit of the Collective Bargaining Agreement. Otherwise, they're - to put it scientifically - f***ed.

This has been causing Stan a great deal of stress. I mean, considering his team actually can't even afford to pay their Stanley Cup winning goaltender the league minimum, he's got to be worried about the perfect storm in front of him. The guy just won a Stanley Cup, goaltenders with less to brag about are signing multimillion dollar awards, and the backup on the same damn team is pulling down $5.6 million a year. That's just hillarious.

Well, it's less hillarious to Stan. He's not taking it so well. In fact, we here at The Winged Wheel have proof. We've got the insight you just don't get elsewhere. Lucky for you I'm currently stuck in enemy territory, and through covert operations I managed to spy on Stan for a whole day, tracking his every move. And without further ado, I present:

"A Day in the Life of Stan Bowman."

7:15 am: Chelsea Dagger alarm goes off. Stan blindly reaches up and drops a fist down on the snooze button.

8:25 am: 10 "snoozes" later, Stan throws the alarm clock across the room. Pulls a bottle of Grape Burnetts from under his pillow and takes a 45 second swig.

8:30 am: Stan rolls out of bed, landing on the floor. Drags himself up and to the kitchen where he pours himself a bowl of Rice Krispies and Wild Turkey. Grabs the Tribune, flips to the Sports section to read another thrilling article designed to teach the Chicago masses about the complicated icing rule they haven't been able to figure out yet.

9:00 am: Doorbell rings. Opens to find a gift basket from Atlanta Thrashers's Rick Dudley. Angrily signs and throws it in the corner with decaying flowers he got from the Maple Leafs' Brian Burke.

9:15 am: Hot shower and a good long cry.

9:45 am: OK, now it's a cold shower. Still crying.

10:30 am: Assistant, concerned that he hasn't shown up at the United Center yet, enters to find him shivering in the fetal position of the floor of his still running shower, sobbing uncontrollably. Helps him to his feet, and lets him cry on his shoulder.

11:00 am: Managed to finally get dressed in sweatpants and an "I Heart Dad" tee, Stan calls for a cab because he's still drunk from breakfast.

11:25 am: Finally convinces the company to send a driver after persistent insistance that despite his affiliation with the Blackhawks, he's really not that close to Patrick Kane.

12:00 pm: Arrives at the United Center, passes Huet's agent in the hall. Smiles through grit teeth. Afterward, punches himself in the dick.

12:15 pm: More crying.

12:30 pm: Listens to 29 voicemails full of hysterical laughter from GM's returning calls about their interest in Cristobal Huet or Brian Campbell.

1:00 pm: Assistant enteres office with his usual summer lunch: Three bottles of Tums and a glass full of Whiskey and Nyquil.

1:30 pm: Stands on the roof of the United Center, stares down at the earth below for about an hour.

2:30 pm: Receives a call from IT, confirming that CapGeek.com has been blocked from the United Center servers.

3:00 pm: Meeting with scouting corps going over the affordable prospects. A kid someone found playing street hockey on the south side with a 2 x 4, a tennis ball, and a garbage can seems promising to fill out the fourth line, but his contract demands may be a little high.

3:25 pm: Throws darts at large portrait of Dale Tallon. Eventually charges the picture, throwing punches at the drawing's face. Patrick Kane walks by and offers him advice on his form.

3:45 pm: Checks in on group of top notch accountants and numbers gurus for an update on their project assignment - reinventing math. Not going well.

4:00 pm: Calls Marian Hossa to see if he has dinner plans. Reluctantly agrees that Tomas Kopecky can come too, and that he gets to pick the restaurant.

5:00 pm: Dinner at Chuck-E-Cheese. After Hossa threatens to quit, Stan agrees to give Kopecky quarters to play the games. The two share a laugh over a joke about Hossa playing after 40.

5:15 pm: Freaks out because he forgot to feed Denis Savard. Calls his assistant to ask him to throw some scraps into the cage he's been kept in since being fired over nothing.

6:00 pm: On his walk home, native Chicagoan approaches him, asking "Don't I know you?" Receives puzzled stare after explaining he's associated with a hockey team. Spends 20 minutes describing hockey.

7:00 pm: Gets home, calls his dad and begs him to find him a different job. Cries.

7:45 pm: Fires up the PS3 to play NHL10. Still can't manage to get through a season without being fired in the Be A GM mode.

9:00 pm: Prayer. Deplores the lord to please not let the sun rise in the morning.

9:15 pm: Passes out clutching a copy of the pre-lockout CBA, stained with booze and tears

Poor Stan. It can't be easy knowing that your window of opportunity is officially slammed shut and knowing that you are doomed to spend the rest of your career losing to the team your fanbase seems to think "sucks" so hard. Well hey... at least he's got a ring someone else earned for him that he can pawn in a few years.

...is it October yet?

[Sarava 55]

Haha, I love reading Hawks fans opinions on players. Here's some reality - For as much as he is loved, Toews has never put up over 70 points in the NHL. His playoff numbers are good, but for someone that's called "good defensively", he's -2 in the playoffs the past season and has amassed 42 points in that span. He cant carry a team, sure he was fantastic for the first 3 rounds but in the finals he was god awful. We all know Hossa, I'll give it to Kane he's produced well in regular season. Dave Bolland is a fantastic matchup/3rd line center, and he's one of my favorite players but he isnt much as a 2nd line pivot. Sharps a good player, no knocks on him. Brouwer and Kopecky are meh, and then your banking on Bryan Bickell, Jack Skille, Victor Stalberg, and whoever else to provide your depth scoring.

I really hope your core holds up Chicago fans, I really do. Because it'd be a shame to see you guys go the way of Tampa Bay and Anaheim.

SYCHE! Hope you guys suck s*** all year long

Hey if you think Toews didn't deserve the Conn Smythe, I actually would agree with you there. Overall he played very good in the playoffs, but I thought other guys were more deserving.

I've gone back and forth for who I thought deserved the award, but in the end I usually come down to Bolland or Sharp. Sharp was the Hawks most consistant forward in the playoffs from beginning to end and I think he had the best +- among all forwards on the Hawks if I remember right. And Bolland...wow what a playoffs he had. He spearheaded the checking line that shut down the Sedin twins, the Thornton line and then the Richards line. While doing that he also managed to get under the skin of Daniel Sedin and Thornton, forcing them to get out of their game and take stupid penalties.

The only flaw in Bolland's game throughout the playoffs was his faceoff %. Overall the dude was awesome.

a jab at the Tigers? ...how clever! hmmmm... maybe next you'll make a joke about the city of detroit or how people here are losing their jobs and can't afford to go to games? it's always the same with hawks fans. they can't talk hockey, so they go for the next easiest thing.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Watching-the-Chicago-Blackhawks-implode/135140209851050

Heh, it was just a friendly little poke. The Tigers did get to the World series that year while the Sox choked in the 2nd half of the season.

Edited August 2, 2010 by Sarava

[cusimano_brothers 1,655]

Vince Vaughn has already ordered his Lightning jersey, just in case.

[stevkrause 1,247]

It actually is a joke........ they're just not in on it...

[Gordon Bombay 2]

Tampa had Lecavalier, St. Louis, Richards, and Boyle. Another good core? Getzlaf, Perry, Pronger, Selanne, and Giguere.

Yet again, some uses the WEAK TB/Anaheim comparisons.

You named 3 forwards for TB and what D-man. So then who matches Sharp, Seabrook, Hjalmarsson, and Campbell?

Same for Anaheim. 3 forwards and a D-man

The Blackhawks "core" is of 8 above average players (7 of the 8 well above average). You listed exactly four for TB and five for Anaheim. Nice comparison.

[Guest Heaten]

I really don't get the Blackhawk fans "core" argument. They like to put players in their "core" when they are not really the "core". They even remove players from their "core" as those players get traded. Lol! (which is seriously hilarious).

Blackhawks have a good core, sure. But not the best in the league; not the best in the West division, and not even best in the Central division. It's funny that Chicago fans think their "core" are the players who Stan Bowman opted not to trade.... yet.

[Broken 16 381]

I really don't get the Blackhawk fans "core" argument. They like to put players in their "core" when they are not really the "core". They even remove players from their "core" as those players get traded. Lol! (which is seriously hilarious).

Blackhawks have a good core, sure. But not the best in the league; not the best in the West division, and not even best in the Central division. It's funny that Chicago fans think their "core" are the players who Stan Bowman opted not to trade.... yet.

The "Core" thing is completely out of hand. I've seen s***hawk fans make posts citing like ten guys on their core. They even list "alternate" core guys. Their whole team is like one big core. Lmao!

Every guy is part of the core until they are gone, then of course they are simply replaced by AHL'ers and those guys instamatically become core guys. It's like a core party in Chicago.

Edited August 2, 2010 by Broken 16

[hillbillywingsfan 792]

Yet again, some uses the WEAK TB/Anaheim comparisons.

You named 3 forwards for TB and what D-man. So then who matches Sharp, Seabrook, Hjalmarsson, and Campbell?

Same for Anaheim. 3 forwards and a D-man

The Blackhawks "core" is of 8 above average players (7 of the 8 well above average). You listed exactly four for TB and five for Anaheim. Nice comparison.

7-8 that are above avg with 7 of the 8 well above?? name them. and don't use any newly added guys that had to be brought up because of trades because if you are adding them to this great "core" you are talking about then that blows that 7-8 out.

[Guest VAL FILPPULA]

I didn't want to make another Chicago thread and found this article to be pretty funny. So I guess I'll post it here. Excuse me if its a duplicate.

Linky

absolutely hilarious

Yet again, some uses the WEAK TB/Anaheim comparisons.

You named 3 forwards for TB and what D-man. So then who matches Sharp, Seabrook, Hjalmarsson, and Campbell?

Same for Anaheim. 3 forwards and a D-man

The Blackhawks "core" is of 8 above average players (7 of the 8 well above average). You listed exactly four for TB and five for Anaheim. Nice comparison.

Whatever you've been drinking, gimme a shot of that

[Hiei 192]

I wonder if Chicago fans have ever eaten an apple before

Cores aint worth s***, it's all the fresh fruity goodness