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GSBrooks13

What An NHL Trade Call Sounds Like

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http://www.downgoesbrown.com/2011/02/what-official-nhl-trade-call-sounds.html

Thank you for calling the National Hockey League. For service in English, press 1. For service in French, press 2. For service in whatever language it is that Don Cherry is speaking, press 3.

You have selected English. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed.

If you are a GM calling to complain about a penalty, press 1.

If you are a GM calling to complain about a suspension, press 2.

If you are a GM calling to complain about a goal review, press 3.

If you are a GM calling to complain about having nothing to complain about, press 4.

If you are on owner calling to report that you have recently gone bankrupt, press 5.

If you are calling about a trade, press 6.

You have pressed 6. You will now be connected to the NHL trade hotline. At any time, you may press 0 to speak to Darren Dreger.

If you are calling to complain about a trade your son's team just made, press 1.

If you just realized you've accidentally traded for a good starting goaltender when you're trying to tank for the first overall pick and would like a mulligan, press 2.

If you are calling to report a completely fictional "rumour" in a desperate attempt to trick stupid people into visiting your terrible web site, press e5.

If you are calling to report a completed trade, press 9.

You have chosen to report a completed trade. Please note that we are currently experiencing higher than normal call volumes. If you are trading away a draft pick, please enter the round number now.

You have chosen to trade a first round draft pick. Is this pick lottery-protected in case you finish last? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Um, do you think that maybe you should rethink that? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Look, Brian, we've talked about this, wouldn't it make sense to at least ask if…

You have angrily mashed 2 for no.

Does your trade involve a player? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have pressed 1 for yes. Please note that due to high demand, we have set up a dedicated hotline for teams trading away Ian White. Please call 1-800-IAN-B-GON for assistance. Operators are standing by 24 hours a day.

Please enter the line that the player plays on, and then his salary followed by the pound key.

You have indicated that you are trading for a third-liner who makes $5 million. Are you drunk? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Please indicate why you are making this clearly terrible trade.

If you are trying to satisfy your idiot owner, press 1.

If you are trying to satisfy your idiot fans, press 2.

If you are trying to satisfy your idiot media, press 3.

If you stopped caring once it became apparent that you're being fired at the end of the season and figure all of this will be the new guy's problem, press 4.

For all of the above, press 5.

You have pressed 5. Your trade is ready for processing. In a few moments it will be finalized, and you may inform the players and announce the deal publicly.

One last thing: Did you remember to check and see if the player has a no-trade clause? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have drop-kicked your phone out an open window. Thank you for calling the NHL trading hotline. Good bye.

I got a kick out of it.. Always enjoy a little fun at the Leafs expense.. :hehe:

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Guest Hatethedrake!

Here is what I think would happen in some trade calls with Brian Burke...

Burke: Hi Bryan. How are you today? I drove myself to the airport.

Bryan Murray: That's nicethhhh. Why are you calling meeeetthhh....(spitting all over the place)

Burke: I'd do the Phil Kessel trade all over again. He's only 22 years old and is already a 50 goal scorer and Tyler Seguin is a bust.

Murray: Thatsssttthhh noootthhhh truuutthhh...(hack tueeeyy all over his secretary)

Burke: I want Chris Neil and Chris Phillips Bryan. Can either of them read the tea leaves? Neil and Phillips are not canadian for punch me, whack me and sodomize me in swedish.

Murray: Whattttthhh in the helltthhh are you talkingttthhh abouttthh Burkettthhh? (ACK!)

Burke: Look I want my team to be truculent, belligerant and...what was the other one? Uh never mind I forgot. I can't give up much. I need to trade for Dustin Penner. So he can join Loops and Richards when I trade for him. I'll only give up a 3rd round pick for Phillips and a 4th rounder for Neil. Deal?

Murray: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Burke: Bryan? Are you awake? You did a great job of building the Ducks and I was so happy to take all the credit for it when I won the Cup all by myself in 2007. But you've run your Sens team into the ground. How do you keep your job?

Murray: F OFF Burke. Thuffrin Thucotath I got a goalie now! Andersontthhh rulestthhh!

Burke: For Christ sakes Bryan quit talking like Hannibal Lector.

Murray: I oncetthhh hadtthhh an oldtthh friendtthhh for dinnerrrtthh and I ate him with a can of favatthh beans and a nicetthhh kiantiii.. FFFFFfTTHHHH.... No deal Burke. I wanntthhh 2 1sttthhh roundersssthhhh for Phillipssstthhh and Neillltthhh...

Burke: CLICK.

Burke: Hello is that you Tallon?

Dale Tallon: Yeah it's me, is that you Burke? Stop calling me ok? I need to talk to GM's who actually are serious in their trade offers. Don't you have an interview on TSN to do?

Burke: I have them on speed dial. They can wait. I"m doing a Deadline Day promo from my bathroom. Howard Berger is offering to flush the toilet. I have him on retainer. Uh I'd like Weiss.

Tallon: So do about 12 other teams Burke, What will you give me?

Burke: A 1st and a 2nd.

Tallon: Not enough. I want 2 1sts.

Burke: What the hell is that? Weiss is not in the same league as the Sedins.

Tallon: Yes he is. They all play in the NHL. 2 1sts or shove it where the sun don't shine.

Burke: CLICK.

Burke: Hey Tambs. It's your good friend Burkey here. How's my buddy Kevin Lowe doing?

Steve Tambellini: He's doing well Burke. Calling about Hemsky or Penner?

Burke: Both. I'll give you my 2 1st round picks.

Tambs: No. I need more. Throw in Colby Armstrong and Luke Schenn and you have a deal.

Burke: F OFF TAMBS! That's bulls***! CLICK.

Burke: Hey Holland...

Kenny Holland: Hi Burke. You still have a job?

Burke: Very funny Holland. Just wanted to let you know that Brett Lebda is making you look pretty stupid these days...

Kenny: Oh how's that?

Burke: He scored last night. It was a goal which no other player in the league could score.

Kenny: Hey you want to trade me your 2 1st round picks for my best prospect?

Burke: I'm not falling for that Holland. Who is it anyway?

Kenny: Well his name is Joe Neely. He is Cam Neely's son. He plays just like his dad did. Big, mean, tough with goal scorer's hands.

Burke: Cam Neely is not that old Holland. He doesn't have a son who is 18.

Kenny: No he is actually 20. You see Cam got one past the goalie when he was very young. I'm telling you, he is playing for Grand Rapids and is tearing up the AHL.

Burke (flipping through his AHL stats on his computer): I don't see anyone named Joe Neely!

Kenny (sending Burke a phony email): Look Burke. Here are his stats...

Burke (opening his email from Kenny): Wow! 65 goals and 21 assists! 406 penalty minutes! He's a plus 113! Holy crap why do you want to give him up Holland?

Kenny: Well we have Tatar and Mursak and we just don't have enough Cap space for next season to call them up. I risk losing Joe Neely for nothing.

Burke: Yeah Holland you really F'D things up with your Cap. I always told everyone how overrated you are as a GM. It was Bowman who built those Cup teams.

Kenny: Yeah well the secret is out. I've been riding on Scotty's coat tails for a long time now. Anyway, do we have a deal? 3 1st rounders for Joe Neely?

Burke: Deal! It was MY idea! I am telling the media it was MY IDEA! CLICK...

Burke calls a media conference in his bathroom. Howard Berger flushes the toilet to begin...

Burke: Hello and welcome to the Toronto Maple Leafs trade deadline. It is now 11 AM and we have made our first trade of the day. We have acquired Joe Neely who is 18 years old from the Detroit Red Wings for 3 1st round draft picks. We feel that Neely can step in and contribute to our team. He possesses all the qualities we want and we feel that he can be a Toronto Maple Leaf for the next 10 years. I've already called his dad and left a message on his voice mail. I expect to hear from both Joe and his dad Cam very soon...

Nick Kypreos: Who is Joe Neely? The Red Wings don't have anyone named Joe Neely on their roster or in their organization. (Berger flushes the toilet again)

Burke: Well yes that is correct. But those stats are not there because Joe Neely is now a Toronto Maple Leaf. There is no record of his stats yet. But look here folks. This kid could be the next great hockey player of our time. I always build my teams the same way. Skilled top 6, tough bottom 6. Joe Neely will play on the same line as Kessel and Grabovski and it will form the best #1 line in the league. I don't know why the Red WIngs gave up on a young 60 goal scorer. I think he could score 80 next year and eventually 100. That is how much I believe in this kid....Next question...

Gary Bettman: Brian you have made a monumentally stupid move and given up 3 1st round draft picks for a player who does not even exist. Cam Neely doesn't have an 18 year old son named Joe. Due to the absolute gregarious stupidity displayed by yourself, your 3 1st round picks will remain with the Detroit Red Wings. You are now removed as Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager and have been replaced with Howard Berger...(TOILET FLUSH)

THE END

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