11 replies to this topic

[I Red Wings I]

I believe this is my cry for help, sort of speak. Long story short, I have trust issues with the woman I am seeing. We have been in a relationship for about two months now and it's been quite a bumpy road, to say the least. I really have no reason not to trust her. It's been almost a year since my ex and I broke up and I think she is the root cause of my trust issues. My ex cheated on me and left me after I took her back. I thought I would be ready for a new relationship by now, but these thoughts have me thinking otherwise.

Whenever my girlfriend says she is going out with her friends or says something that makes me think twice, I think irrationally, and sometimes it's unbearable. I can't control my thought process and I know it's absolutely not fair to put her through what we've been going through. I think it's at the point where she won't be able to handle it anymore because it has been too much drama as it is, and for no reason. I went through anger management after my breakup earlier this year, I talk to everyone I know and ask for advice. I know what I should be doing and not be doing - should say and should not say. Like I said, I can't control my thought process and most of the time, these irrational thoughts get the best of me.

I'm honestly questioning my mentality and what's really wrong with me. I'm desperate for help.

[Bring Back The Bruise Bros]

Have you sat down and talked to her about this past relationship? If you haven't told her about it, she might just think you're naturally controlling/whatever. If you sit her down and talk to her, maybe she'll be able to see it from your perspective. It doesn't sound like you have some rare mental disorder, you've just got trust issues due to a rough relationship in the past, which is understandable. You're not the only one that is going through this kind of stuff, so don't think you're alone and nobody else understands what you're going through. Just communicate with her. Women may seem like monsters at times, but sometimes they just need a little communication. They're not mind-readers.

Hope this helps

Edited by Bring Back The Bruise Bros, 29 December 2011 - 06:00 AM.

[I Red Wings I]

Have you sat down and talked to her about this past relationship? If you haven't told her about it, she might just think you're naturally controlling/whatever. If you sit her down and talk to her, maybe she'll be able to see it from your perspective. It doesn't sound like you have some rare mental disorder, you've just got trust issues due to a rough relationship in the past, which is understandable. You're not the only one that is going through this kind of stuff, so don't think you're alone and nobody else understands what you're going through. Just communicate with her. Women may seem like monsters at times, but sometimes they just need a little communication. They're not mind-readers.

Hope this helps

I've told her all about it. She's just kind of tired of it by now, one can only take so much.

[Bring Back The Bruise Bros]

I've told her all about it. She's just kind of tired of it by now, one can only take so much.

When she goes out, just turn on a game, whether it be hockey, football, etc to get your mind off it. Hell, post on LGW, man. Helps pass the time.

Can you mentally not control yourself until she gets home? Do you call/text her asking her whereabouts while she is gone? I guess what I'm asking is for a little more detail into when/how often you cannot control your thought process, and the bad thoughts take control of your mind, so to speak.

Edited by Bring Back The Bruise Bros, 29 December 2011 - 06:35 AM.

[vangvace]

My exwife decided she liked her boss more than me. I knew we were having minor problems, but never saw it coming. I'm still not comfortable with the whole dating thing, but I am a ton more trusting and happier than I was when I started therapy.

I do not know what they are for your area, but there are a number of 800 numbers that can help if for no other reason a conduit to vent through.

[WizardOfOz30]

There's nothing wrong with therapy, it helps you work through a lot of things. The fact that you realize you have trust issues and have discussed it with her is a good thing. I think you're doing the right thing if you want to keep her around, and maybe some therapy would do you good. She may be getting frustrated from what you said but if she really cares about you she probably wants you to get through this too.

[SouthernWingsFan]

What's up man. Seems like you are doing the right things. You are being open enough to her about your issues, and you are possibly seeking therapy. It's going to be up to her in the end if you all want to stay together, so don't go overboard trying to be a different person or just doing a complete 180 change instantly trying to force a decision on her. You are who you are, you are trying to naturally/gradually change for the better, hopefully this is enough for her to remain together with you. If not, she's not a bad person and there's nothing wrong with you, again it's just who you are and you seem like a good guy trying to get comfortable with a better life. If it doesn't work out, there will be other chances for a relationship.

Edited by SouthernWingsFan, 31 December 2011 - 06:46 PM.

[I Red Wings I]

When she goes out, just turn on a game, whether it be hockey, football, etc to get your mind off it. Hell, post on LGW, man. Helps pass the time.

Can you mentally not control yourself until she gets home? Do you call/text her asking her whereabouts while she is gone? I guess what I'm asking is for a little more detail into when/how often you cannot control your thought process, and the bad thoughts take control of your mind, so to speak.

I hardly ever question where or what she is doing. Just something about her that seems suspicious, she loves attention, and guys love to flirt with her. When I do ask her about something, she gets very defensive. I don't know, I almost don't care anymore. Like SWF said, there are more out there.

[SouthernWingsFan]

I think it's natural to get suspicious or paranoid when you really like/love somebody, not saying it's right or wrong. While it doesn't look like you've really given us any suggestion that she is doing anything wrong there or that she is a bad person like I mentioned in my first post, those are still factors to consider if you want to stay with her or not (and it'd be the same with anybody else). Some people like attention, and it's a matter of what you all need to agree to be acceptable - you can't just restrict her to talk to you alone. Talking with other guys shouldn't be a problem, if it's really no more than that, I wouldn't sweat it. You are going to have to trust her as well, and you both know that you yourself are trying to get past trust/paranoia issues more or less.

Unless it's obvious that she's doing something fishy, I'd just continue to let things play out if you do want to remain with her. Don't go overboard in being suspicious or a snoop and don't completely being a different person to try to remain with her, keep showing her you are continuing to try to change for the better in a gradual manner. If that's not enough after a while, move on.

[HOCKEY MATTERS]

Edited by HOCKEY MATTERS, 07 January 2012 - 02:43 PM.

[MabusIncarnate]

I've been in one bad six year relationship and I am currently involved with one going on eight years. I can tell you that trust issues this early is probably a bad sign, whether its a certain level of jealousy or control on your behalf, I think it's more lingering feelings from being damaged in your last relationship. Relationships are like hockey, you really gotta work at it to get better at it and the only thing that is going to make you better in a relationship is time and experience. You do have instincts for a reason and if things feel out of sorts, then you should feel justified to discuss your feelings with your partner.

You did mention that this girl you are currently with is getting tired of hearing about your prior relationship, and that in itself can be a deal breaker all by itself. What you need to determine is if its your personal bad experience that is causing these feelings or if you really just can't trust this girl you are with now. Its normal that the guilty get defensive, i'm not at all saying she is doing something when she isn't with you, but if her initial reaction is to be defensive about it then there might be reason to be inquisitive. A relationship won't work if you don't know how to separate your time from eachother, so another flag is if your partner wants to spend every waking moment with you. Allow yourselves to have your own personal freedom away from eachother but there has to be an underlying trust there or its just going to be an ongoing headache.

[I Red Wings I]

The relationship is a lot better, can't really complain too much at this point. I'm doing what I can to keep my anxiety at bay. Thanks for the input everyone