714 replies to this topic

[55fan]

Man sitting at home on the porch with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Was that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It was me............. talking to the beer."

[MidMichSteve]

What's the speed of dark?

[WorkingOvertime]

LGW!

[wingslogo19]

Pavel

[Norwegian Red Wing]

Two old ladies are standing at a bus stop when it starts to rain.
"Oh dear" says one lady, "now our cigarettes will get wet."
"No they won't." replies the other, and she pulls two condoms and a manicure scissors out of her purse. "You see, we cut off the ends, unroll them on our cigarettes, and roll them back up as we smoke. The cigarettes stay nice and dry."
"How nice," says the first lady. "What are these things called?"
"They're called condoms." the second lady tells her. "You can get them at any drug store."
A couple of days later the first lady is standing at a bus stop when it starts to rain. As luck would have it, there was a drug store right across the street. The lady walks in and asks the pharmacist if he has any condoms.
The pharmacist wonders what an 80-year-old lady needs with condoms, but being a professional, he asks, "Why yes we do, ma'am. Is there any particular kind you need?"
"I don't think it matters," she answers, "just so long as they'll fit on a Camel."

[MidMichSteve]

Excuses are like ***holes everyone's got one and they all stink.

Edited by MidMichSteve, 17 April 2012 - 10:04 AM.

[55fan]

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadie (shoe-been-aack-id-dee),
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are.... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"

The waitress leaned over the counter and said:

"Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns..."

[MidMichSteve]

I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Edited by MidMichSteve, 17 April 2012 - 10:05 AM.

[55fan]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Nookie" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[MidMichSteve]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

[55fan]

This senior couple goes to the doctor and asks "Doc, we want you to watch us having sex". The doc is startled and asks why. The couple explains that they want to make sure this is still safe for them, and that they are physically fit enough to handle sex without risk. The doctor agrees, and the couple does their thing. After they are done, the doctor informs them that they are perfectly fine to do this at home, and it is probably very good for their health.

The next week, the couple is back asking the doc to watch them again. The doc agrees again, and after they are done, he once agian informs them that they can do this at home.

This goes on for a few more weeks. The doctor finally askes them why they keep coming here, and not do this at home.

The gentleman replies, "Well, we can't go to my house because my wife is home. We can't go to her house because her husband is home. If we go to a hotel, they charge us $150. You only charge us $65, and we can claim it on Medi-Care."

[MidMichSteve]

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

[saven]

Go Wings!!!

[MidMichSteve]

What we could really use is the separation of Government and state.

[55fan]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

Not sure who wrote this, but I remember my dad quoting it:

If an apple a day kept the doctor away
They'd soon be condemned by the AMA.

[MidMichSteve]

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

Edited by MidMichSteve, 17 April 2012 - 10:13 AM.

[55fan]

I'm out of jokes and stuff. I will now post random thoughts.

[MidMichSteve]

Not sure who wrote this, but I remember my dad quoting it:

If an apple a day kept the doctor away
They'd soon be condemned by the AMA.

I like your Dad.

[55fan]

I like your Dad.

I was rather fond of him myself.

[MidMichSteve]

We have to stop posting jokes. Everybody is just reading them and NOT posting.

You all know who you are!