Jokes, know any?

[St. Michael (the Red Wing) 422]

To lighten my mood and maybe yours was wondering if anyone knows any good jokes?

Kids, adult humor or anything I don't care need comedy in my life to make me laugh every now and then.

My 4 year daughter told me this one.

"Why did the chicken cross the playground?"

"To get to the other slide."

[Jenny 315]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Impatient cow.

Impatient c--

MOO!

[55fan 5,133]

Two old ladies were at a bus stop smoking cigarettes when it started to rain. The first lady said, "Oh, no, now our cigarettes will get wet."

The second one said, "No they won't." She reached into her purse and pulled out two condoms and a manicure scissors. She snipped the ends off the condoms and unrolled them over the cigarettes. "See? We just roll them up as we smoke, and our cigarettes stay nice and dry."

The first lady is impressed. "What are these and where did you get them?" she asked.

"They're called condoms and you can get them in any pharmacy." the other replied.

A few weeks later, the first lady was standing at a bus stop and it started raining. She remembered the condoms and happened to be near a pharmacy. She went in and asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell condoms?"

The pharmacist wondered what an 80-year-old lady would need them for, but, being a professional, he replied, "Yes, ma'am. Is there any particular kind you want?"

The old lady thought about it and replied, "I guess it doesn't matter, just so long as it will fit on a camel."

[MabusIncarnate 5,344]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[Ben9753 4]

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

"Are you a string?" asks the bartender,"we don't serve strings here".

So the string walks out of the bar, ties himself into a pretzel and undoes his ends. He walks back into the bar and asks for a drink again.

"Are you a string?" Asks the bartender.

"No", replied the string, " I'm a frayed knot".

Edited May 21, 2013 by Ben9753

[kook_10 1,705]

Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, 'That’s quit nice, don’t you think, Tracy?'
'Yeah, what’s it called Sharon?'
'Viens a moi'
'Viens a moi? What does that mean?'
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me’.
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, 'That doesn’t smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you?'

[Echolalia 2,961]

awesome thread idea

A business man was having an affair with his secretary, and one Saturday afternoon he was over at her place.Things got a little frisky and after the deed was done, both the man and the secretary fell asleep. A few hours later the man wakes up in a panic and instructs his secretary to go find his shoes, and rub them in the grass and dirt outside. Confused, she obliges, and the man puts his shoes on and drives home to meet his wife, who had been waiting for him in the living room.

"Where have you been??" She asks accusingly.

"Wife, I cannot lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. We made love all afternoon."

Looking down at his shoes, the wife responds "You filthy liar! You've been playing golf!"

[Ben9753 4]

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger.

And then it hit me.

[Kira 451]

Two quick ones...

1) Son says to father, "When I grow up I want to be a musician."

Father says, "I'm sorry son, you can't have it both ways."

2) What's the definition of perfect pitch?

Throw a banjo in the dumpster and don't hit the sides.

[puckloo39 5,686]

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid.

he says he can stop anytime.

[hillbillywingsfan 792]

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when

they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells

them that many people find it useful to write

themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you

please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice

cream? And maybe write that down so you won't

forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No

problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and

whipped cream. I don't need to write it down.

" He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans

banging around. The husband finally emerges from

the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon

and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

[St. Michael (the Red Wing) 422]

What did the one penis say to the other penis before going into a g.a.y. bar?

Let's go get S**t faced

Edited June 2, 2013 by St. Michael (the Red Wing)

[hillbillywingsfan 792]

And I thought my joke was going to kill this thread.....hahahaha

[55fan 5,133]

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"

The other says, "Circumcision."

The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

[55fan 5,133]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[55fan 5,133]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

And another one:

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

And another one:

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Edited June 4, 2013 by 55fan

[hillbillywingsfan 792]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[55fan 5,133]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce.

The judge asked Mickey, "Do I understand you correctly? You're divorcing Minnie because she's insane?"

Mickey replied, "No, Your Honour, I said I'm divorcing her because she's f*cking Goofy."

[puckloo39 5,686]

snitched this one from MidMichiganSteve's wife on fb:

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, their yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone’s relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at his funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife said “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

[Uncle Danny 155]

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve anything faster than the speed of light here."

A neutrino walks into a bar.

[DickieDunn 2,571]

A guy breaks into a house and hears a voice day "Jesus sees you.". He looks around and doesn't see or hear anyone else so he goes about his business. He hears the voice again, "Jesus sees you, and he's getting angry.". The robber shines his flash light around and sees a parrot, who looks at him and says" Jesus sees you and he's VERY angry now." The guy laughs and says "what's your name birdie?". The parrot says Moses.". Guy says "who names their parrot Moses?". Parrot says "the same people who name their Rottweiler Jesus."

[55fan 5,133]

Not so much a joke as a funny pic, but it made me laugh.

[HadThomasVokounOnFortSt 878]

This came up on my Twitter page:

@espn:

Hey @SanJoseSharks, thoughts on changing your name to the San Jose #Sharknados?

@SanJoseSharks:

Hey @espn, thoughts on showing more hockey highlights?

[cchase231 3]

knock knock

who's there?

I ate mop

I ate mop who?

[sputman 1,268]

knock knock

who's there?

I ate mop

I ate mop who?

Hahaha