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Canada Goose Attacks & The Proper Defensive Strategy

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It's that time of year again, and again I am inundated with messages asking me how to fend off a wild Canada goose [Latin name: Branta canadensis]. I will summarize here so that I do not have to respond to each PM individually.

People think geese are azzholes, and they are. But they are predictable azzholes who understand certain body language. Here's some advice on how to dominate your next goose:

If you're an American get your gun and shoot it. If you're Canadian... find an American (just kidding).


  • Break eye contact: Eye contact is super important to geese and if you look away, they take it as a sign of weakness and an invitation to attack and dominate you. Sunglasses are bad. Take em off, nobody thinks you look cool anyway idiot.
  • Run away: Don't turn away or try to run away for the same reasons as above, the goose will take it as a sign you are afraid and attack.
  • Be silent: Geese talk to each other all the time to tell each other where they are and what's going on. They are freaked out by silence. Yell obscenities at the lil c-u-n-t. Personally I like to yeet at them.
  • Back down: If they come at you, don't back down! Fight that azzhole goose, or it will be emboldened to keep attacking you or others.


  • Spread your arms out: You look bigger and it's a gesture of aggression. If you advance on them like that they may recognize your ALPHA status and back down.
  • Hiss: This is aggressive and they might decide to back down.
  • If they come at you, grab them by the neck: Geese totally hate being grabbed by the neck. Don't grab and squeeze, just grab lightly and they'll get freaked out and run away. If you're a real bas-tard like me, you can windmill them by the neck and hammer throw em for distance plus points.
  • Grab their beak: If you're nimble enough you can grab them by the beak when they come into bite you, they also hate this. Bonus if you get them with their beak open, geese tongues are cool to touch.

Also remember you're a 100+ lb Ape and it's just a stupid goose. The worst thing it can do is nip you with its beak or wing punch you, which doesn't even really hurt...

Although this one time a Goose flew directly into my mom as she was trying to get into her car. She said it was like getting hit with a medicine ball. That goose was a real bas-tard.

Once you start to notice the habits and body language of geese, you can actually end most conflicts peacefully without having to fight.

Hope that helps

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