Two old ladies are standing at a bus stop when it starts to rain.
"Oh dear" says one lady, "now our cigarettes will get wet."
"No they won't." replies the other, and she pulls two condoms and a manicure scissors out of her purse. "You see, we cut off the ends, unroll them on our cigarettes, and roll them back up as we smoke. The cigarettes stay nice and dry."
"How nice," says the first lady. "What are these things called?"
"They're called condoms." the second lady tells her. "You can get them at any drug store."
A couple of days later the first lady is standing at a bus stop when it starts to rain. As luck would have it, there was a drug store right across the street. The lady walks in and asks the pharmacist if he has any condoms.
The pharmacist wonders what an 80-year-old lady needs with condoms, but being a professional, he asks, "Why yes we do, ma'am. Is there any particular kind you need?"
"I don't think it matters," she answers, "just so long as they'll fit on a Camel."
A Member of Congress was seated next to a little girl on a flight..
He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the politician, smiling smugly, "how about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?"
"OK," she said. "those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first.. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff: grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know s***?"
I can only image what you do when something REALLY GOES WRONG in your life.
The same thing as when the Wings don't win every game: He stomps his feet, hits something with the sides of his little fists, then yells, "It's not FAIR!" and sits out on the steps until someone comes out with a sweet to make him feel better.