Jump to content


55fan's Photo

55fan

Member Since 22 May 2007
Offline Last Active Yesterday, 09:46 PM
****-

#2289598 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 17 April 2012 - 09:55 AM

Two old ladies are standing at a bus stop when it starts to rain.
"Oh dear" says one lady, "now our cigarettes will get wet."
"No they won't." replies the other, and she pulls two condoms and a manicure scissors out of her purse. "You see, we cut off the ends, unroll them on our cigarettes, and roll them back up as we smoke. The cigarettes stay nice and dry."
"How nice," says the first lady. "What are these things called?"
"They're called condoms." the second lady tells her. "You can get them at any drug store."
A couple of days later the first lady is standing at a bus stop when it starts to rain. As luck would have it, there was a drug store right across the street. The lady walks in and asks the pharmacist if he has any condoms.
The pharmacist wonders what an 80-year-old lady needs with condoms, but being a professional, he asks, "Why yes we do, ma'am. Is there any particular kind you need?"
"I don't think it matters," she answers, "just so long as they'll fit on a Camel."


#2289555 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 17 April 2012 - 08:58 AM

A Member of Congress was seated next to a little girl on a flight..
He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the politician, smiling smugly, "how about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?"
"OK," she said. "those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first.. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff: grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know s***?"


She went back to reading her book.


#2289553 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 17 April 2012 - 08:53 AM

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door ... "Is your Dad or your Mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.....

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. ...

I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig,.......

but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


#2289548 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 17 April 2012 - 08:51 AM

Dear Algebra,

Why do you want me to keep finding your X?
You know she's not coming back.


#2289535 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 17 April 2012 - 08:29 AM

The difference between a prostitute, a mistress and a wife:

The prostitute says, "If you'd taken any longer, I'd have charged you for the whole night."

The mistress says, "Oh, darling, you were wonderful! We must meet again soon."

The wife says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."


#2288876 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 16 April 2012 - 10:59 AM

At the Irish wedding reception
someone yelled...

"Would all the married men,
please stand next to the one person
who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost
crushed to death.


#2288849 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 16 April 2012 - 10:42 AM

Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends!


#2288766 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 16 April 2012 - 09:41 AM

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


#2288742 Chants From The Joe At Game 3?

Posted by 55fan on 16 April 2012 - 08:54 AM

I can only image what you do when something REALLY GOES WRONG in your life.

The same thing as when the Wings don't win every game: He stomps his feet, hits something with the sides of his little fists, then yells, "It's not FAIR!" and sits out on the steps until someone comes out with a sweet to make him feel better.

Edit for punctuation errors. :blush:


#2288617 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 15 April 2012 - 11:26 PM

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


#2288574 700 Posts for a Detroit Game Four Victory

Posted by 55fan on 15 April 2012 - 10:36 PM

When chemists die, they barium.


#2288362 Do the Pens Have the Cup Locked Up?

Posted by 55fan on 15 April 2012 - 05:25 PM

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

<breathe>

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


#2286239 David Krejci assaulted by pane of glass

Posted by 55fan on 14 April 2012 - 08:52 AM

Looks like Thomas didn't make that save.

Seriously, glad he's ok.

Really seriously glad that this thread happened. You folks are downright hilarious!


#2286230 Money On The Board - Playoff Style

Posted by 55fan on 14 April 2012 - 08:31 AM

Now that the event has occurred, I will state that I had intended to give $5 for anyone who fought Weber.

Thank you, Todd. I'm adding $5.


#2286228 Playoff Beards and Bracelets

Posted by 55fan on 14 April 2012 - 08:29 AM

It has come to my attention that some people have never heard of the playoff bracelets or their history.

Here is a link: SAUSAGE

Get it? Link.


<crickets>


Oooooooooooooooooh. K. Then...

Just read it and carry on.