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St. Michael (the Red Wing)

Jokes, know any?

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This radio station I listen to has this thing called "the 5 o'clock funnies" where in-between songs they play 1-2 minute clips from stand-up comedians. There's some pretty funny one's if you don't get offended:

"My girlfriend was cleaning my apartment when she came across another woman's earring. She came tearing into the room yelling like crazy. I said...."Woah, Woah, woah....let's be adult about this. Finish cleaning my apartment and we can talk."

"I stayed at my girlfriend's parent's house the other weekend and her father pulled me aside. He said, "you'll be sleeping in a separate room from my daughter because...I don't trust you." ......Trust me man, I'm f*cking your daughter.

A bun in the oven is cute....but a baby in the oven is horrifying.

I'm going to start my own low-carb bakery. I'm calling it, No Bun Intended.

I like my women like I like my coffee....sent back for not being hot enough.

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Oooh, I love joke threads!

An elderly couple were sitting on the porch of their farmhouse, enjoying the evening and not speaking. Abruptly, the husband reaches over and grabs his wife's breast. "If we could've gotten some milk out of these, we could have gotten rid of our cows." The wife says nothing, just continues to rock in her rocking chair. After a few minutes, the husband reaches over and grabs her crotch. "If we could have gotten some eggs out of this, we could have gotten rid of our chickens." The wife again says nothing, just continues to rock silently. A few minutes pass, and the husband again reaches over, this time grabbing his wife's bottom. "If we could have gotten some more s*** of of this, we could have gotten rid of a ton of fertilizer." The wife remains silent, rocking. Again, a few minutes later, the husband reaches toward his wife. She cuts him off suddenly in midreach, by herself reaching over and grabbing his penis.

"If we could have gotten some use out of this, I could have gotten rid of your brother."

A young man was on his first date with a young woman he was over the moon about. The date had been going fabulously, and they both got into his car so he could drive her home. Halfway there, the man realized he had to fart. "No way in hell I'm farting in this car. HOLD IT." The drive continued, and as they came closer to the young lady's home, the young man was squirming. He REALLY had to fart. "Almost there." He was mentally giving himself the biggest pep talk possible in order to hold that fart in. Finally, they pull into the young lady's driveway. He jumps out of the car, runs over to open the door for his date, and leans in to give her a kiss on the cheek so he could GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND RIP ASS. "Please, come in and meet my family!" she says. Not wanting to blow it with this girl, he reluctantly agrees. He considers letting some toot go in the driveway, but is afraid it's gonna be a bullhorn and doesn't want her to hear. He squeezes his cheeks together as tightly as possible, and enters his date's home. He shakes hands with her father, mother, and little brother, and playfully scratches the family dog, Butch, behind the ears. "Well, I should probably be going..." "Nonsense!" her father booms. "I insist you come in for some coffee." The young man is beside himself. He's now afraid that not only is he going to let go the mother of all farts, but that he'll s*** his pants in the process. Outwardly, he smiles, nods, and follows her father into the family room. As he goes to sit on the couch, two things occur. One, the dog leaps up to sit on the couch next to the young man, and two, a little bit of fart squeaks out. The young man is frozen in fear. Then he smells it. Trying to play it cool, he looks around and sees his date's father scrunch up his nose, and begin to fan the air in front of his face. "God DAMN, Butch!" The young man is elated. HE THINKS IT'S THE DOG!! He waits a few more moments, and then casually lets a little more seep out. The father is disgusted. "BUTCH!!" The young man is internally ecstatic, as he lets the rest of the fart slowly decompress his midsection. The father yells. "God dammit, Butch!"

"Get over here before that man s***s on you!"

This next one is my favorite joke of all time, and if told properly has been known to clear a room. It may cross a line for some, so if you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature, please skip.

Steve is being released from prison. During processing, they give him back all the belongings he entered with: a cheap plastic watch and a raggedy canvas wallet containing six dollars. Steve walks out of the prison, and into the cab that is waiting for him. He will be staying at a buddy's house, and tomorrow will have to begin thinking about what his next steps are going to be to get his life back on track. The cabby begins to make small talk.

"So...first night out of prison. What do you want to do first?"

Steve replies, "honestly? I just really want to get laid." The cabby smiles. "Got a lady waiting for you?"

"Unfortunately no. I was thinking about picking up a pro, but all I have is six dollars to my name." The cabby thinks for a moment.

"I may know of someone who can help. You game?"

Steve considers, then responds. "Sure. Why the hell not?"

The cabby drives for another ten minutes, then pulls up in front of a small, slightly worn down house. "Ring the doorbell. Ask for Maddy. Tell her J.B. sent you." Steve thanks the cabby, then walks up to the home. It's almost midnight, and there is no external lighting for Steve to get his bearings. He rings the doorbell. A young woman answers the door--"Are you Maddy? J.B. sent me. I just got out of prison and have nothing. I need a bit of company, and J.B. said you'd be willing to help."

He hears Maddy giggle, and she pulls him into the house. Without speaking, she begins to kiss him. Steve allows himself to explore her body with his hands, as there are no lights on in the house. She feels reasonably fit, and smells as though she just stepped out of the shower. Steve is pleased, and the pair relocate their activities to a bedroom. It doesn't take Steve long to get 'ready,' and at that moment he realizes he does not have any condoms. He questions Maddy, and she grudgingly admits that she does not. Steve knows the smart thing to do is get up and leave, but it had been so long and he just NEEDS this. He asks Maddy if this is ok, and to his surprise, she says it is. Thrilled, he attempts to seal the deal. Too dry. He tries again. No go. He sighs in frustration, and Maddy finally responds. "Hold on." She gets up, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple minutes later. Slides right in. Steve understandably finishes quickly, and in his post coital stupor, asks "damn! That was amazing! What kind of lubrication did you use?"

Maddy replies, "Lubrication? Honey, I just pick the scabs."

:bad:

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Two guys are at a party. One sees a gal on the other side of the room who looks familiar. He asks his friend, "Is that Hortense over there?"

His friend replies, "Yeah, but if you give her a drink, she'll loosen up."

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