• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

TheXym

Amusing stories you have heard or lived.

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

I couldn't put this in the spook yourselves thread, even though I am terrified of spiders. A guy posted this on the computer forum I frequented years ago, and I found it amusing. I left that forum in 2008-2009, and haven't been in touch with the guy. I hope he spider didn't get him.

okay so i'm standing in front of my toilet just as i'm starting to take a whiz, and all of the sudden i feel this tickling on my foot (i was barefoot). So i look down to see this ******* HUGE ******* SPIDER that had just crawled over my foot and was heading right for my other foot!Seriously, this thing was almost the size of a tarantula! it had to be almost 1.5-2 inches big, IT WAS f*****g HUGE!!!! I like FLIPPED out and jumped back against the wall to try and not let that thing get at my **** foot! keep in mind i had just started to pee and once you start, you KNOW you can't stop, so pee is now going all over the place as i do this ****** up little dance to stay away from this spider, who now starts to panic and running around at this crazy hyper speed! then the ******* thing starts running for the door, unfortunately, i am between the door and it!

Maybe two seconds have elapsed now, so i've got a LONG way to go in this pee still, i'm trying to aim it somewhere at the toilet (it's missing), and now i've got this huge spider charging me! I don't know WHY i did this, but i had to use the ONLY weapon that i had at my disposal, so i aimed my

pee-stream right at the spider! i hit the ****** DEAD ON, and he didn't like that one bit, and made a direct 90 degree turn and headed VERY quickly straight for the wall with the radiator! I don't know what i was thinking, but i did my best to keep peeing after the thing, and then the thing pops out from the radiator RIGHT NEXT TO ME and tries to bolt out the door, and i'm like PANICKING so I try and pee on him, but he like SHOOTS by me into the hall and I twirl around, for some ****** up reason, and TRY AND FOLLOW THE ******!. So I'm like hobbling after this spider with my jeans now around my ankles, hobbling into the hallway with pee going ALL OVER THE PLACE and still trying to **** on this huge **** spider! This took all of about 7 seconds, from first tickle to me running into the hallway peeing all over the place, and then the ******* runs down the stairs! It's about now that I finally ask myself WHAT THE **** AM I DOING, standing in the hallway with my pants around my ankles holding my **** and aiming a stream of urine down the stairs, so i quickly hop back to the bathroom and finish what was left into the sink (it was closer then the toilet).

So now, with my pants soaked in pee, i'm standing there in front of the sink wondering WHAT THE **** I JUST DID! Now there is pee on EVERY SINGLE SURFACE of the bathroom, all over all the magazines, on EVERY wall, the floor is one big pool of pee, there's pee in the sink, on the mirror, probably on the ceiling, the whole basket of extra TP is now useless becasue of pee on it, my pants and undies are SOAKED in pee, the lower half of the front part of my shirt is soaked in pee, there's pee ALL OVER THE **** HALLWAY AND DOWN THE ******** STAIRS, and now the whole place reeks of pee AND THERE IS STILL SOME HUGE PEE-SPIDER ROAMING THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE!

So i just threw my clothes in the wash, and i'm gonna take a really fast shower, then try to clean up this huge damn mess as i wonder HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA EXPLAIN THIS ONE TO MY MOM.

I'm ******. And i smell like pee.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I work in a gas station. That's all the intro this needs.

One night I was working graveyards and a guy came in and announced to the entire place that his ass was chafing.

He was wearing those long silky basketball shorts and had tucked them into his butt crack. He asked if I would recommend vasoline or baby powder. I knew we carried vasoline so I recommended it.

He bought some, opened it up, stuck his fingers in the jar and proceeded to stick his hand down the back of his shorts RIGHT THERE AT THE COUNTER!

Then he announced that he was going to have to shave his ass because his butt hairs made the vasoline clumpy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Another graveyard shift story-

This was many, many years ago. A guy came in wearing a baseball cap, glasses, sandals, one of those half t-shirts, and a g-string. He was followed by another guy who was giggling and carrying a video camera. This was back in the days before smart phones and (fortunately) the internet as we know it.

Videotaping was not allowed in the store, but since there was no way of it getting out for the world to see, I didn't stop him and just went along to see how it all played out.

The guy in the g-string strutted (like he had anything worth strutting) back to the pop section of the cooler. I kept a straight face. It just about killed me, but I managed to look bored.

He brought his pop to the counter and gave me a $10. I gave him his change. He held the coins in his hand but put the bills in the g-string, saying, "I like to keep my bills in here."

You know how you always think of something funny to say when it's too late? Yeah. I'd been keeping the perfect straight face, but the perfect comeback was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

As soon as he tucked the bills in the g-string, I said, "Good thing they're small bills."

His friend was doubled over laughing, unable to tape. The guy turned beet red and I had to crack a smile.

Wanting to let him off the hook, I said, "Is this for a bet or dare or something?"

He chuckled and went back to the same strutting-type personality he had before and said, "Why no. Why do you ask?"

They left laughing. I smiled and had fits of giggles for the rest of the night.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Years ago while in my 20's I worked as a security guard in a hospital (good pay, cushy job - great for a college student).

One Sunday morning I arrived to work a tad hung over...The secretary in the ER (Barb) noticed this, and gave me some s*** (all in good fun of course).

So there's this 'Healing With Care' award that was given out yearly (sorta a big deal considering it included all 4 hospitals - thousands of employees - that were in the group), and the top 3 nominees chosen have a posh dinner, gift certificates, pics with the heads of admin.

I figured I'd pay it back for the ribbing Barb gave me - so I nominated her via a fictional German tourist 'Gustav Meinhardt' from Stuttgart (can't believe I still remember the name).

'Gustav' was suffering from bleeding hemorrhoids so he came into the ER, and it was Barb who re-assured him that he was in great hands, and would be fine (I went into detail about the bloody stools, and pain - both sides of the nomination card were filled with all the nasty details of how 'Gustav' suffered, and how compassionate Barb was).

Several weeks later - Barb was a finalist, and chosen by the admin to have the dinner/gifts/pics (pics of the event were in the hospital cafeteria for employees, and visitors to see - all were dressed up for an elegant evening) - she ended up taking 2nd place :hysterical:

Not knowing that it was I that pulled this stunt - I congratulated her, and asked who nominated her...'Oh some German guy' she said.

Edited by F.Michael

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I couldn't put this in the spook yourselves thread, even though I am terrified of spiders. A guy posted this on the computer forum I frequented years ago, and I found it amusing. I left that forum in 2008-2009, and haven't been in touch with the guy. I hope he spider didn't get him.

I'd like to hear the spider's take on this hahaha

Edited by NerveDamage

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tsaven was a real whiz kid at building PC's, that's for sure.

No, no. I'm not questioning him, I just thought it would be funny as hell to hear "...and then he starts chasing me with his pants off, peeing all over the place. I don't know whether I was more worried about being stepped on or peed on". or something like that but actually funny ;)

Edited by NerveDamage

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My friend's son started college this fall. I was his Sunday school teacher in 4th and 5th grades, so we know each other pretty well. He is one of the most hilarious people I've ever met. I can talk to him for hours and laugh the whole time.

When he left for school, I told him that if he ever needed anything to feel free to call or text or facebook. We'd gotten together to talk on facebook a lot before he started to meet people there. Mostly we just joked around, but some of it was serious. He's rather shy, especially around girls, so we talked about how to meet girls a lot too.

He knows I have a keen interest in all things medical, so he asked me (on facebook) one Saturday about a medical question. His stools were black. I ran through the checklist of things it could be. Nothing. I told him to keep me posted. On Sunday they'd turned green. I asked him a lot of questions about what he'd eaten etc. I was pretty sure at this point that it was just something he ate, but I made sure he knew where his insurance card was (he didn't know) and where the hospital was (he didn't know) and I made him promise that he would go in if he experienced any of a long list of symptoms I gave him.

Monday was Labor Day, so I figured he'd be sleeping in. I texted him around noon to see how he was doing. We had rarely texted before, but I was at work, and I don't have a smartphone (I know, right?) so I kept it short and sweet: "Have you pooped today and what colour was it?"

I didn't get a response. I waited and about an hour later he texted back. He was driving a girl(!) to the store and being a responsible adult, he chose not to text and drive. Instead, he had her read the message to him.

He thanked me for that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So my aunt always sends my sister bags of my little cousins old clothes to go through for my nieces, they buy really expensive stuff and barely wear it, so they hand it down so my sister doesn't have to spend as much money on clothes for two rapidly growing girls.

A while back my sister was going through the bag, and she found what she (for some dumb reason) thought was anot oddly shaped bottle of perfume, and instead of reading what the bottle/canister said she sprayed it in the air in front of her.

She was sitting on the ground so when she sprayed it the mist was right around the height that her 3yrold daughters face is at. And as soon as I realized what she had just sprayed my niece started to walk over to where she sprayed it so I jumped up and bent over to grab my niece up and I essentially head butted the plume of mace thst was lingering in the air.

Immediately my eyes start burning, I can't breathe and my niece starts crying bc all of the commotion, (me yelling, "Why the eff would you spray that." So I assumed she was feeling it, I ran her into the kitchen, put her down and gave her milk and asked her if she was hurting, etc. I washed my hands, made sure she was okay and then had to keep her and my other niece out of the living room while airing it out.

Only funny bc I was the only one in pain over it, but damn can my sister be dumb sometimes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Having 3 boys can be both fun, and frustrating (7, 6, and 4).

This past summer my wife got us a 'family pack' discount at a local bowling alley.

While the wife was at work I took the boys bowling...After standing in line to get shoes for nearly 15 min (large groups that day for whatever reason) I was eager to get the shoes on my sons, and start bowling.

There's a bar/restaurant attached to the bowling alley, and someone fired up the jukebox...I'm sitting - bending over at the waist to tie my shoes when Queens 'Another One Bites The Dust' is playing over the sound system...My eldest, and youngest sons both erupt in laughter...I look up to see what's so funny - only to find my middle child with his shorts/underwear pulled down to his ankles, and he's spreading his ass cheeks to the beat of the music.

Luckily we were in lane 1, and the other parties were several lanes over so they didn't see the free show :lol:

Now imagine seeing your child spreading his butt cheeks to the beat of the 1st twenty seconds of the song!

Edited by F.Michael

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Deal.

The year was 1993. A bad ass year by all accounts. I was a young lass of 13, living the good life. I was cute, and due to a solid reputation I had built for myself, no one f***ed with me. The roller rink was the place to be, and on this fine evening I was patronizing an establishment a couple towns over with my bestie since 1st grade (who is still my bestie to this day, holla) and another girl we hung out with. Generously dropped off by my bestie's mom, we had an evening of freedom ahead of us--skates, nachos, and BOYS. We scoped out the prospects for a bit, when a tall drink of water asked me to skate with him. He was hot, so naturally with much giggling and whispering with the girls I agreed. We tooled around for a bit, flirting awkwardly with wheels strapped to our feet as only young teens can. I had to go to the bathroom, but it could wait. This was serious business. So I made the fatal mistake--I pushed it. I skated and skated with this cutie until I couldn't take it anymore. I excused myself and headed toward the bathroom. What follows is nothing short of a Benny Hill skit. The second I stepped off the rink, Satan and all his minions were conspiring to keep me away from the bathroom. There was the birthday party of 8,000 elementary schoolers that I had to deke, my friends furiously clamoring for deets, THAT DAMN CARPET that slowed my skates to a crawl, a curious gaggle of middle aged women, and the fact that I had to essentially do the Pee Pee Dance with what felt like snow tires attached to my feet. I had waited too long, but I was determined to make it. With a fire in my belly (bladder), I approached the ladies' room with what felt like an unnatural slowness reserved for running in dreams. I was almost there. The promise land was within my grasp, and I longed for the sweet release that freeing my myself from my ripped denim would bring. I got to the door, squeezed the handle, and was stopped mid-door swing by The Boy. "Hey, you ready to skate?" That was it. My moment had passed. The crushing realization that I was too late dawned on me with an icy shudder wherein I turned to look at him, shrugged, and peed my pants whilst looking him directly in the eyes. I owned it. I asserted my dominance like a dog marking a bush. I continued to stare him down as it dawned on him exactly what was happening. He skated away in disgust as my bestie skated up next to me. We looked at each other for a brief, fleeting moment before she broke the silence as only a bestie can--in the most deadpan of voices she said "Dude. Did you just piss your pants?" Thankfully I have no shame and we proceeded to break into hysterical laughter. the rest of the night is a blur except for the vague memory of driving home in her mom's car sitting on an old blanket. I never saw The Boy again, nor did I (forever thankful that this didn't happen in my town) set foot in that roller rink ever again.

I'm pretty sure that was the last time I ever wet my pants while sober.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As promised:

It was back in high school and there was a blood drive going on. I signed up to give blood during my 4th hour so I would have a valid excuse to get out of my English class and roll straight into lunch. I went down to the room where they were all set up and gave blood rather uneventfully. I ended up with a nice bruise on my arm and because I had two hours of art in the afternoon, I figured that holding my blood-giving arm up to paint for two hours wasn't a good idea (but really I just didn't feel like going in). So I decided to skip my afternoon classes and went home and took a nice nap on the couch.

I woke up really groggy a couple hours later, feeling like I had to pee like crazy. I got up and made my way to the bathroom, but when I got there I briefly forgot why I was there. I stood around for a couple seconds wondering why I wasn't still napping on the couch when I suddenly surmised that if I came to the bathroom I probably had to poop. So I went to the toilet and stood in front of it like I was about to sit down on it and lost my train of thought again. When I recovered I remembered I had to pee and so i started peeing.

It wasn't until I felt the warmth in my crotch and down my leg did I realize something wasn't right. I looked down and I still wasn't facing the toilet. And my pants were still up. And in the time it took me to put two and two together I had emptied my bladder.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now