The Red Wings are on the road today, playing at St. Louis, which means one thing to Chris Osgood: His toothpaste will go missing.
It has happened every trip the Wings have been on this season -- and with today being Festivus, the holiday made famous by a 1997 episode of "Seinfeld," Osgood leads the way as several Wings indulge in the traditional "Airing of Grievances."
"The guys always take my toothpaste and my hair products out of my kit I use on the road," he said. "Always. I don't know who or why, but it's annoying. They also steal my sticks off the rack all the time, the ones I've just freshly taped.
"Those would be my main grievances. That's against everyone, though, because I don't know who it is. But I have a particular one against Mike Modano because his hair is always perfect, even when it's messy. Doesn't matter if it's wet, dry, whatever -- it's perfect."
Osgood's situation in turn is the basis for Kris Draper's grievance, because "Ozzie steals my toothpaste and puts it in his kit. Happens all the time -- I buy it, he takes it."
Draper's plight isn't likely to draw much sympathy, because several teammates have him on their list.
"Well my grievance, it must be my nemesis, Drapes," Henrik Zetterberg said. "He always plays pranks and stuff on me, and yet somehow I'm always the bad guy."
Draper made Darren Helm's airing, as did Jiri Hudler, Todd Bertuzzi, Osgood, and also, "everyone."
"Huds for always telling me to slow down," Helm began. "Everybody for always telling me to slow down. Everyone for calling me 'Dumb and Dumber.' Ozzie for always having different nicknames for me every day. Drapes, same thing. Ozzie and Drapes for always ganging up on me and Abby. Bert's perfect, except he makes me get tape for him, and then he says it's 'for us' but there is no 'us,' there's just him."
Helm shares the "Dumb and Dumber" movie reference burden with Justin Abdelkader, who gets the Harry moniker to Helm's Lloyd.
"Yeah, Ozzie and Drapes, I have a grievance against them with their 'Dumb and Dumber' stuff -- they love calling us Harry and Lloyd," Abdelkader said. "Then (Pavel Datsyuk) always makes fun of me for my soccer skills, how bad they are. And (Johan) Franzen -- recently he's been calling me his kid. He thinks I'm his kid, so he'll call me kid and say I'm suppose to call him Daddy."
Brad Stuart, meanwhile, is finding it hard to put up with his locker-room neighbor, Jonathan Ericsson.
"I sit beside Johnny, and I'm not too happy with how he makes fun of me for my little superstitions, the way I tie my skates, the way I do my socks up, all those things," Stuart said. "He thinks it's funny, but it's just the way I do it."
Lastly, Bertuzzi let loose.
"Dan Cleary for feeling fantastic every day he puts on his equipment," Bertuzzi said. "Pavel Datsyuk for the sickest set of hands I've ever seen -- he doesn't even have to stickhandle, he can still have a good game. Drew Miller just for sitting next to me. Chris Osgood for just being Ozzie -- but actually thank God for Ozzie, it'd be a long year if it wasn't for Ozzie."
After tonight, the Wings get two days off for Christmas. No word on whether they gifted one another donations to the Human Fund.
