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Member Since 22 May 2007
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#2068700 Story Time

Posted by 55fan on 26 November 2010 - 04:25 AM


Time for a recap, eh?

Once upon a time, Homer Simpson spanked your girlfriend's cat with a hockey puck. It broke the cat's tail although it was made of grease from Detroit Red Wings players kicked. Makes no sense because it didn't sound like a fart. It echoed loudly across the rink and hit Bettman in his balls. Then the wings annihilated the pink wussies and the hawks from Chicago. Meanwhile, Spongebob killed Patrick because he thought Sandy was pissed off at Mr. Krabs for breaking his testicles. The Flanders said HOMER! pray for my sweaty armpits. They decided that Bush was a terrorist because blood was flowing out from Squidward's nostrils. Apu found candy canes shoved deeply down Pamela Anderson's cleavage. Pamela Anderson had Mozart's cravings for alcohol. Jay Leno lifted up Pamela's latex outfit up so he could salivate at her candycanes. Then fire erupted from her fabulous sphincter torching Stoney's big hairy eyebrows. Then we are talking garbunkle with simon. Jack said wassup people? Peter picked pie eyed Susan who baked cookies in the Netherlands while drinking beer from the bar. She decided marriage was not ever going to do drugs, so when she died nobody gave a rats ass. After that, Peter Griffin ate sushi and barfed uncontroably jumping on Bugs Bunny's whiskers and tickeled his zippidy-doo-dah. Bugs was pissed and shot peter in the ass and caused a prolapsed anus. Bugs called your Orthodontist for killing his ***** because she chewed furry cheese puffs while doing Yoga. Meanwhile, Spiderman loaned sugar sprinkles to Batgirl for her knockers.
"Those enforcers will tear Batgirl's codpiece, causing rabid fantasies about Hossa's pencil sharpener exploding into magical shards", shouted Babs. Indubitably, wax paper tastes a lot similar to a prolapsed anus. Magic Johnson showed clairvoyance bending hockey sticks toward the head of Bettman shaped like potatoes. Instinctively, Homer blocked the potato masher smashing pumpkins flat.

Pronger smells like hot ass and Cheetos when baking yakburgers. Clod LePew made greasy stains on Pronger's epidermis, which glowed and sparkled brilliantly. Meanwhile, rabbits with leprosy scratch Turtle's testicles causing (the) oozing puss to coagulate and form crusty underwear clinging to his dangling chin.

Revolted, disgusted, and perplexed, Batgirl annihilated Turtle's mucus membrane with cereal, which tasted like roast kangaroo.

Round 1 was the Blue Jackets smelling Osgood's gassy fuel line of a 1985 Zamboni. My obstacle doesn't involve anything resembling a high jump. Whenever tornadoes cry about sunny afternoons, llamas yell obscenities at tourists, while spitting at organic pinecones. Botanists agree, acorns are understandably harder than pinecones.

Kronwall nailed Dawn approximately 2/3 of what LetsGoWings posters approved for but never hurt her melons. That damned Kronwall knows turnovers better than Grandma knows my hidden corset agenda. Next time Kronwall better stick John Keating's microphone into the oversized entrance of Holmstrom's locker buddy's Gopher.

If Jenny G(ranholm) knew how Kronwall had cooked beans with Lilja she would have sauteed horseradish in sauerkraut. Gagging on molasses Karen discovered that Bertuzzi had spiked his lemonade with vodka. (Sponges can hold gravel only when they are saturated) Usually Kronwall likes meatballs up in Traverse City but the weather wasn't conducive to meatball masterpieces.
Chunt shouldn't (or maybe "shoont") eat Lilja's sausage stroganoff because he'll snort from his flared nostrils. Legalized marijuana rocks. Zamboni driver telethons while raising octopi for charity, causing relief to Twister players in heat. Chocolate bunnies taste smelly after soaking in dimethyl-ether. Blueberry pie smells wonderful while eating with in-laws on Thursdays. The car rolled down the volcano and farted.

Apartments divided into separate units are considered adequate housing. Dandylions sprout uncontrolled dimples that gratify Colin Campbell's poor excuse for biased hog-calling. Cactii are bold, painful stickers smelling rancid.

Datsyuk loves Homer's butt because aromas cause interference, pissing goaltenders off so bad they weep while finishing trying ballroom dancing. Iginla's nosehairs replicate extended hair weaves that trap bogeys. Toenail clippers should always be sterilized because Hudler chews his turkey with his mouth open.

#2068112 11/24 GDT: Red Wings 1 at Thrashers 5

Posted by 55fan on 24 November 2010 - 08:08 PM

zero help for Howard there. Wonder if the Wings are already dreaming of turkey and stuffing here... seems so.

Mmmmm.. turkey and stuffing.

I hope those turkeys will start stuffing the puck in the net before they head home to their turkeys and stuffings.

#2065180 11/19 GDT: Wild 4 at Red Wings 3 (OT)

Posted by 55fan on 19 November 2010 - 07:01 AM

GRRRR! I was all excited for this game because the Wild are on FSNorth, which I actually get, and the game was on a day when I'm home to watch it. But, NO, they are televising freaking DULUTH college hockey instead. What really sucks is that when they do that, the Centre Ice blackout is still in effect, so my mom and sister who pay money to watch the games won't get it on tv either. That is just wrong. If the Fux Sports people don't televise it, the blackout should be lifted.

Wings 9- Everyone in the top 3 lines with one apiece
Wild 1- Cullen (Local boy, gotta pull for him a bit.)

#2064014 Wings sporting an ad-badged jersey

Posted by 55fan on 17 November 2010 - 10:01 AM

My old roomie was in it. I went to a meeting once. Cult-like and scary.

Can't we get something classy and respectable? Viagra, maybe? Or Preparation H?

#2063456 Quicken Loans and Fathead New Sponsors

Posted by 55fan on 15 November 2010 - 05:31 PM

What's wrong with Sam Bernstein?

He's a lawyer. That puts him in the same category as Bettman, GMR, and Abe Lincoln.

Draw your own conclusions. I just confused myself.

#2062458 How about these lines?

Posted by 55fan on 13 November 2010 - 09:38 AM

You know what, I don't know what I was thinking... we should probably trade him for Brian Campbell!

Who's he playing for nowadays? It's so hard to keep track of last year's Black Hawks. Oh, wait! He's part of the CORE*! He must be one of the premier talents on the planet if they held on to him and didn't trade him.
Let's do trade for him. It will help our team get younger.

*CORE= Chances Of Repeating Extinguished

#2062457 11/13 GDT: Avalanche 1 at Red Wings 3

Posted by 55fan on 13 November 2010 - 09:30 AM

Have to miss this one. We're having a benefit for my friend who has cancer. She's going to be fine :thumbup: , but she also has MS, so it's been a battle.

Wings need to win this one for those of us who are old enough that we just can't get over the rivalry even if the other team is hardly rival-ish.

Let's have another 6-2 victory, shall we?
Huds and Flip with the hat tricks. The debate rages on.

#2062305 Little things that bother you..

Posted by 55fan on 12 November 2010 - 09:11 PM

People who honk on busy streets in busy traffic. Scare the heck out of me. I had a guy honk at me this afternoon. I swear, if I'd had my phone on speaker or had finished my burrito, I'd have flipped him off with my free hand. Like I have time to pay attention to him when I'm trying to get established in the lane I suddenly found myself in.

Totally kidding, in case you hadn't guessed.

#2061496 Little things that bother you..

Posted by 55fan on 11 November 2010 - 05:52 PM

You know that someone will be bothered by your post. :P

People who can't read the directions and figure out how to turn on a gas pump. It's not hard, but for some reason, if it doesn't work, they assume that I (the chick behind the counter) am purposely preventing them from getting their gas. Hello? I want you to buy it. I want you to come in the store and buy stuff. That is how I get paid, although the profit margin on gas stinks, which is why we charge more for the other stuff, not to mention that we buy it in lower quantities than the grocery stores and do lower sales, which means that we have to charge a bit more, but that's why it's called a CONVENIENCE store.

I also hate it when people complain about gas prices. Ignorant turds that have no clue about the economics behind it. Same goes for drug prices- I'm talking legal here.
EDIT: Please see my post below for clarification on who is and who is not an ignorant turd. I don't wish to offend the intelligent turds and/or the ignorant non-turds, and especially not the intelligent non-turds.

Most of the money goes into research and development. Sure the stockholders get rich. That's why they buy the stock. If they didn't make a profit, they wouldn't invest and there would be no money to go and search out new drugs or new places to get gas from. You have to pump money into it for the chance to make money, and if you take the risk, you get the reward.

It just frosts my hide when I'm sitting here working 2 jobs to barely make ends meet and other people who are better off than I am get all butt-hurt because someone else invested wisely and it paid off for them. You want to make that kind of money? Invest wisely. You don't have it? Go out and earn it. The world owes you nothing, whiners.

No. It's not fair. Life isn't fair. Suck it up and deal with it. Your job is to go out and do the best you can with what you have.

Kids these days. Sense of entitlement.

Speaking of which, I also hate the whores (and I mean that literally) who come in to the store and want to use EBT. We don't take EBT as we do not qualify under government regulations. It's nothing personal. I am completely fine with someone who is down on their luck and needs the help getting assistance. That's what it's there for, and I support that.

What I hate is the tarts who come in with half their boobies hanging out and then get mad at me because "it's myf****** money, you dumb c***, don't tell me I can't spend myf****** money". No, *****, it's not your money. It's charity that people have given you because you got knocked up by your drug-dealer pimp.

Then the trollops pull a wad of hundreds, fifties, and twenties out of their bras and pay with that since they can't use their food stamps.

Oh, crap. I'm going to be late for work. Sorry I can't tell you all of the little things that bother me. Carry on without me.

#2061263 11/11 GDT: Oilers 2 at Red Wings 6

Posted by 55fan on 11 November 2010 - 08:41 AM

Go Wings.

Everyone scores. Except the Oilers.
  • Ram likes this

#2058817 michael keaton is dead to me!

Posted by 55fan on 06 November 2010 - 09:04 PM

We're concerned that Ken is a Pens fan? Really? Is this the Ken that hangs our with Barbie? That Ken?

I'll let you guys in on a secret. I've seen him naked. Nothing hangs on him, if you get my drift. He probably saw the Pens and thought it said Penis and is rooting for them to overcompensate for feelings of personal inadequacy.

It's not like it's Stretch Armstrong we're talking about here, folks. We don't need Ken. We have Murph. Same hair; we can assume better anatomy.

#2058690 Hudler is Lazy and he sucks

Posted by 55fan on 06 November 2010 - 12:45 PM

Remember whose basement Huds lived in way back when he was a youngling.

#2058430 11/5 GDT: Red Wings 3 at Oilers 1

Posted by 55fan on 05 November 2010 - 10:10 PM

Oh, Helm. Even if nothing happens, you are a joy to watch.

#2058418 11/5 GDT: Red Wings 3 at Oilers 1

Posted by 55fan on 05 November 2010 - 10:00 PM

Pavel is brilliant. It is only a matter of time before his excellence pays off.

#2057972 11/5 GDT: Red Wings 3 at Oilers 1

Posted by 55fan on 05 November 2010 - 12:10 PM

Joey chips a nail, so Ozzie is put in as backup since you don't use your groin when charting face-offs.

At the end of the first, the score is 0-0. JHo has faced no shots, so he goes out for a beer during intermission. Finding a nice microbrewery that produces a hearty, yet lilting ale, he loses track of time and fails to return to the game.

With 15 seconds left in the second period, Horcroff rings one off the post, and everyone notices that the Wings have had an empty net for the entire period. Ozzie drops his chart, grabs his helmet, but due to the groin injury, he is too late to get to the net, the Oilers get the rebound, and score.

Ozzie plays the third.

Final score: Wings 3, Oilers 1.
Ozzie with the hat trick.

LGW complains that he should have had the "soft" goal, and that his scoring is "streaky".